I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The Joker was right
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
This raises questions
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…