I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.