[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.