I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE