Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
what kind of cook setting is this??
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.