I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.