cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now