Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
You Might Also Like
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there