*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Noted.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.