“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*