It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
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My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Autocorrect is my menesis
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.