My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.