Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario