The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there