[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job