If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Perfect
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
When the stylist spins you back around
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*