Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic