At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
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[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.