[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂