[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[montage of me giving-up]
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?