CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
What an awful time to have common sense.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
knights of the ikea table
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”