I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.