Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Yup
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?