Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Legend 🤣🤣
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“What?”
– Jude
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
craving $300 all of a sudden
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
The Sun’s probably Asian.