[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
He took my last fry, your honor
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.