I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
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3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.