Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
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They say women only use 10% of their anger
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress