*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old