It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.