me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
what day is it?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope