4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me