[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?