What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
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My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Basically.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.