Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
You Might Also Like
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Morning.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
True.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.