“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
me and who
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.