When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
WHY would you be happy about this?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?