Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.