Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.