My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I missed you with all my darts
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
how to market bottled water to dads
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”