5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*looks at you in batman voice*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.