My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
True
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My favorite farside!!
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.