According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
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*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?