If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Some people were born into their job.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.