No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
This week’s mood.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Its true…
Seems kinda suspicious
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.