My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
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Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.