I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika