I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again