At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
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My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing