amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
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Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
let’s discuss
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.