Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*